Friday, August 29, 2008

Learning about the "lower" 49 states -- kind of cool

Hi, more and more adoring fans, from the greatest, most humbled female candidate ever! John predicted everyone would love love love me once they got to know me, and he was right! Right?

Almost "up to speed" on being a Veep -- that's what they call me, or will call me when I beat Hillary. Of course, someone already beat her -- with an ugly stick! And then they beat me with the pretty stick (see Vogue cover please)!

I'm the REAL US federal politics woman around here now. Hillary Clinton lived off her husband -- my husband lives off me lol. Besides, senators are *nothing* compared to governors! Hillary was just an opening act -- I'm the headliner! Her cracked glass ceiling is my floor.

Making lots of progress with my new "50 states plus even more places that aren't colonies yet" book-learning: did you know that France is actually *under* England? Like it can see the Queen's underwear! I thought those two were side by side, if you get my drift. That one's for "the base" (wink).

I'll never forget how the French warned the US not to go into Iraq a second time, and refused to invade alongside us. The nerve, after all we did for them! If it wasn't for the US, France would be speaking Vietnamese! The only good thing France ever did was invent, uh, let's say "kissing". Cause I'm a real woman, know what I mean? I like my men like my whiskey -- neat, straight, and on the rocks. Remember, I have five kids -- Hillary's got only one. There, I said it. Didn't even need to use any of those "code words" Karl gave me lol!

I'm getting to know my president, soon to be all your presidents, John "Big Mac" McCain a lot better. I've met him almost four times now, and he hasn't hit on me once yet (but he will lol!) He told me this true story, of how he was a prisoner for years in Vietnam, and tortured terribly. Gosh, it took real strength and courage just to be able to walk out alive and sane. After that extraordinary service to his country, I say we owe him a great big vacation and a glorious retirement! If you elect him president, I promise to take over as soon as I can, so he can enjoy himself without all that pressure and stuff.

Ready with my entire-country political positions now! Drilling in ANWR? Yes! Think people: you drill downwards, underground. The bisons are walking around on the top of the ground. Hence, no conflict.

Protection for endangered wildlife? Yepper! Cause when I go hunting at 3 AM, they're all endangered! Stupid polar bears walking around MY state, acting all rare and special. Get back to the North Pole where you belong before I buy a bigger shotgun!

Offshore drilling? I'm all for it! We should definitely have other countries drill our oil for us -- American workers are so lazy and expensive (Alaskans excepted). Those "Welfare" and "Social Security" rackets have to go bye-bye!

Why should women vote for me? Because Hillary was thrown under the bus. Not sure when or where or what type of bus, but that's what they keep saying on the Internets. I guess it ran over her face lol (check out my awesome pics btw)! But still, ladies, a vote for me is just like a vote for Hillary.

Let me explain to men why you should vote for me: MILF ahoy!!! Just don't let my hunky "hockey dad" husband see this! Plus, I'm not Hillary, and hate all her libtard ideas, so it's like a vote against her.

With me to help Big John, Obama is toast. Toast. Get it? I can say that, since none of those people live in Alaska. Hehe. That one's for the good old "working people" of Pennsylvania. You know what I mean. You have to admit it -- this girl's good!

Oops, sorry for the Obama reference. Should have called him Oboring instead. Or Obeaten. Or how about Obanal? I like that one cause it has a dirty word in it! Ta ta for now!

PS: Mister Big Media, I know you're on our side, but please stop saying McCain has tapped me -- he's old enough to be my grandfather! And stop saying the state of Alaska is probing me -- you wish ROFL!

It's Me!!! Your next President, or Vice President at least!!

I can't tell you how happy I am that Big John picked me me me! to be the next Vice President. Or next candidate for President maybe. I'm not really too sure how the US government works yet, but I'm a fast learner! And I'm an inspiration to all women: if a brand-new governor of a tiny state (did I mention I'm a mom too?), and still-gorgeous former beauty queen can grow up to be Vice President, any girl can!

I've only met Johnnie (I'm sure he won't mind me calling him that!) a couple of times, but I'm sure he will be an awesome president! He hates those stupid mooses almost as much as I do. If I get elected, and get my hands on those big army type guns -- blam blam blam!!! Moose sandwiches for all LOL!!!

Please BEAR (old Alaska joke ROFLMAO) with me while I learn this Vice President material and stuff. But remember I'm the governor of the state closest to the Russkies, so who could deal with them better than me me me? That Brezshnev, he'll be like, give me Georgia so I can put the Atlanta Braves on the 2012 Soviet Olympic Baseball team, and I'll be like, OK but you can't have John Smoltz lol!

Big Mac's people are being real nice to me, helping me get "up to speed". Today, we went over the Fannie Mae crisis. Gosh, with a name like that, no wonder no one respects her "assets"!

But most of all, I owe this huge huge honor to Hillary Clinton. She's taken US political leadership further than any woman in history, but I can take it from here, honey! Of course, all her libtard (I love that word, libtard!) ideas will have to go. Equal pay for equal work? Over my drop-dead gorgeous hunk of a husband's stay-at-home hubby's awesome body! But I'm just as much of a woman as Hillary is, or more so lol -- check out my pics! I can and will deliver the babes for Johnnie (that sly fox!)

Well, got to go read this stuff Karl sent me. The Constitution of, um, Independence. World History For Dummies. 101 Recipes Without Seal Meat. Talk to you soon, my future fellow Americans!