Wednesday, September 3, 2008

It's show-off time!!!

Hi Sarah fans!!!  Almost ready for my big speech tonite, and I.  Will.  Rrrrrock!  All the conservative newspapers say I'm a big hit!  A home run out of the park for McCain!  A brilliant move!  Go Big Mac!  Just got to let America get a good long look at short good lookin' me :-)  I don't need that stupid teleprompter speech -- I can do it on my own, like the frontierswoman maverick I am!

I'll start with the country money.  You know, in high school, they called me Sarah Barracuda because I fiercely attacked government waste.   And cause I always had a huge smile for everyone, even if I hated them.  And prolly also cause I ran over that valedictorian jerk with my ATV so we wouldn't have to listen to his dumb-ass speech about "the poor".  There's no one in this country who's poor except those who want to be!

That 3 AM phone call they say I'll be getting?  Don't you fret none -- I'll probably have months to come up to speed.  And remember, I'll have my handsome hubby Todd right there to help with thinking and decisions.  You know, he often sits in on state meetings and gives me lots of suggestions -- he won the Iron Dog competition once, and worked in the oil fields as an expert something in a union.  And he's got a BBBBBBOOOOOODDDDD!!!!  Let's just say, I'm still sometimes "up" at 3 AM anyway lol!  That's why I have five children -- say, why does Hillary have only one?  Cough code-word cough!  And let me tell you, after raising five kids, dealing with former KGB chief Vladimir Putin would be nothing!

I hear there's people talkin' shit about my church, complaining that we were praying against witches and warlocks.  What do you think this is, the middle ages?  This is the 20th century -- we can't have people going around casting spells on good Christians!  And liars claiming my pastor said that 9/11 was God's way of punishing the Jews.  He never said that!  He said that it was God's way of destroying all those who refused to believe in Christ!

Karl gave me this stack of books to read, like I'm back in high school lol.  Who needs to learn all that boring history of the world and countries -- it's totally out of date, that's why it's called history!  All we really need's right there in the Bible -- God said so!  

Did you know that, way back hundreds of thousands of years ago, Jesus came to Alaska?  He did.  He preached the Sermon on the Snowmount, turned ice into ice wine, drove the dumbocrats out of the state legislature with a whip, and all kinds of other holy stuff.  But they had to cut those parts of the Bible out, so other states wouldn't be jealous 'cause Christ didn't love them as much.

Backstabbing traitors are saying that when I was mayor -- months ago -- I tried to fire the Wasilla librarian because she wouldn't take those ungodly books out of the library.  False accusers!  I just asked her to burn them, since anyone reading them was going to be in hell pretty soon anyway.  But seriously, I just wanted to help out my friend Michelle, what's so wrong about that?  She's been my BFF for like 17 years, and talks to me for hours whenever I feel sad, and bought me a Ficus for my office when I became governor.  She told me she was tired of working at Walmart, and couldn't find another job where she could sit and read magazines all day.  So damn right I'm going to make her the new librarian -- Wasilla was my town!  The voters gave it to me!  Just goes to show my character: when I'm your friend, I'm your friend forever.  But if you turn on me, you better watch your back.  And your front.  And your sides.  Cause when someone messes with me, I never forget it.  I just write it down in my little old pink notebook....

I've been preparing to be a vice-president my whole life.  Dick Cheney is totally my idol!  He shot his friend in the face on a hunting trip after a few drinks?  We should make him an Honorary Alaskan!  And that old man was such a crybaby about it, falling down, moaning, letting people take him to the hospital.  Jesus -- he didn't even lose an eye or anything!

Gay rights?  I totally support gay rights -- they have the right to get the hell out of my state before I bring down the wrath of the Holy Spirit on their gay asses!  And they want the right to be parents!  You can't get pregnant that way, or I'd have 55 kids by now lol!

I'm the right president -- I mean vice-president -- for America today.  And I totally support President Bush in everything he does, because it's my job.  In fact, it's all of our job as Americans to support our president in time of war, or as long as there are bad people out there who want to harm our country.  Ben Franklin said it best: it's not what your leader can do for you, it's what you can do for your leader.  Or Ben something anyhow.  Bennie Massilino I think it was.

And I'm the only vice-president who can deal with the illegal immigrant problem: shoot them from the air rofl!  We have lots of them types in Alaska -- they call themselves First Nations lol. Around my house, we call them the Worst Nations!  They just moved to Alaska for the tax rebates.  Of course, Hubby the Hunk has some of them people in his family, so I have to make nice like I'm back in the Miss Alaska Congeniality show -- but before they come to my igloo I count all the ice cubes!

Yes, some people make a big deal of how I was born in Idaho, and that I'm not a real Alaskan.  Screw that!  I'm more pro-Alaska than anyone in the state -- that's why they made me Governor.  To hell with the lower 49, and the stupid country!  I'm an Alaskan first!  All that matters to me is Alaska, and I'm damn proud of it!

Who's that guy who I'm supposed to make fun of?  Joe Biden?  Joe Bye-Den.  Yo Bye-Then.  That's it, the last one. More like Joe Bo-Ring lol!  He's been head of committees?  Helllllooooo?!  I've been there.  I've been the heads of committees, so I know what heads of committees do: absolutely nothing except think about their hubby's legs who won the Iron Dog mmmmm.  I swear, I did not make one single decision, take one single action -- leadership is a total scam!

Whoopsie, time for my close-up!  XOXOX From America's New Sweetheart, Little Ole Me!