Wednesday, September 3, 2008

It's show-off time!!!

Hi Sarah fans!!!  Almost ready for my big speech tonite, and I.  Will.  Rrrrrock!  All the conservative newspapers say I'm a big hit!  A home run out of the park for McCain!  A brilliant move!  Go Big Mac!  Just got to let America get a good long look at short good lookin' me :-)  I don't need that stupid teleprompter speech -- I can do it on my own, like the frontierswoman maverick I am!

I'll start with the country money.  You know, in high school, they called me Sarah Barracuda because I fiercely attacked government waste.   And cause I always had a huge smile for everyone, even if I hated them.  And prolly also cause I ran over that valedictorian jerk with my ATV so we wouldn't have to listen to his dumb-ass speech about "the poor".  There's no one in this country who's poor except those who want to be!

That 3 AM phone call they say I'll be getting?  Don't you fret none -- I'll probably have months to come up to speed.  And remember, I'll have my handsome hubby Todd right there to help with thinking and decisions.  You know, he often sits in on state meetings and gives me lots of suggestions -- he won the Iron Dog competition once, and worked in the oil fields as an expert something in a union.  And he's got a BBBBBBOOOOOODDDDD!!!!  Let's just say, I'm still sometimes "up" at 3 AM anyway lol!  That's why I have five children -- say, why does Hillary have only one?  Cough code-word cough!  And let me tell you, after raising five kids, dealing with former KGB chief Vladimir Putin would be nothing!

I hear there's people talkin' shit about my church, complaining that we were praying against witches and warlocks.  What do you think this is, the middle ages?  This is the 20th century -- we can't have people going around casting spells on good Christians!  And liars claiming my pastor said that 9/11 was God's way of punishing the Jews.  He never said that!  He said that it was God's way of destroying all those who refused to believe in Christ!

Karl gave me this stack of books to read, like I'm back in high school lol.  Who needs to learn all that boring history of the world and countries -- it's totally out of date, that's why it's called history!  All we really need's right there in the Bible -- God said so!  

Did you know that, way back hundreds of thousands of years ago, Jesus came to Alaska?  He did.  He preached the Sermon on the Snowmount, turned ice into ice wine, drove the dumbocrats out of the state legislature with a whip, and all kinds of other holy stuff.  But they had to cut those parts of the Bible out, so other states wouldn't be jealous 'cause Christ didn't love them as much.

Backstabbing traitors are saying that when I was mayor -- months ago -- I tried to fire the Wasilla librarian because she wouldn't take those ungodly books out of the library.  False accusers!  I just asked her to burn them, since anyone reading them was going to be in hell pretty soon anyway.  But seriously, I just wanted to help out my friend Michelle, what's so wrong about that?  She's been my BFF for like 17 years, and talks to me for hours whenever I feel sad, and bought me a Ficus for my office when I became governor.  She told me she was tired of working at Walmart, and couldn't find another job where she could sit and read magazines all day.  So damn right I'm going to make her the new librarian -- Wasilla was my town!  The voters gave it to me!  Just goes to show my character: when I'm your friend, I'm your friend forever.  But if you turn on me, you better watch your back.  And your front.  And your sides.  Cause when someone messes with me, I never forget it.  I just write it down in my little old pink notebook....

I've been preparing to be a vice-president my whole life.  Dick Cheney is totally my idol!  He shot his friend in the face on a hunting trip after a few drinks?  We should make him an Honorary Alaskan!  And that old man was such a crybaby about it, falling down, moaning, letting people take him to the hospital.  Jesus -- he didn't even lose an eye or anything!

Gay rights?  I totally support gay rights -- they have the right to get the hell out of my state before I bring down the wrath of the Holy Spirit on their gay asses!  And they want the right to be parents!  You can't get pregnant that way, or I'd have 55 kids by now lol!

I'm the right president -- I mean vice-president -- for America today.  And I totally support President Bush in everything he does, because it's my job.  In fact, it's all of our job as Americans to support our president in time of war, or as long as there are bad people out there who want to harm our country.  Ben Franklin said it best: it's not what your leader can do for you, it's what you can do for your leader.  Or Ben something anyhow.  Bennie Massilino I think it was.

And I'm the only vice-president who can deal with the illegal immigrant problem: shoot them from the air rofl!  We have lots of them types in Alaska -- they call themselves First Nations lol. Around my house, we call them the Worst Nations!  They just moved to Alaska for the tax rebates.  Of course, Hubby the Hunk has some of them people in his family, so I have to make nice like I'm back in the Miss Alaska Congeniality show -- but before they come to my igloo I count all the ice cubes!

Yes, some people make a big deal of how I was born in Idaho, and that I'm not a real Alaskan.  Screw that!  I'm more pro-Alaska than anyone in the state -- that's why they made me Governor.  To hell with the lower 49, and the stupid country!  I'm an Alaskan first!  All that matters to me is Alaska, and I'm damn proud of it!

Who's that guy who I'm supposed to make fun of?  Joe Biden?  Joe Bye-Den.  Yo Bye-Then.  That's it, the last one. More like Joe Bo-Ring lol!  He's been head of committees?  Helllllooooo?!  I've been there.  I've been the heads of committees, so I know what heads of committees do: absolutely nothing except think about their hubby's legs who won the Iron Dog mmmmm.  I swear, I did not make one single decision, take one single action -- leadership is a total scam!

Whoopsie, time for my close-up!  XOXOX From America's New Sweetheart, Little Ole Me!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Learning about the "lower" 49 states -- kind of cool

Hi, more and more adoring fans, from the greatest, most humbled female candidate ever! John predicted everyone would love love love me once they got to know me, and he was right! Right?

Almost "up to speed" on being a Veep -- that's what they call me, or will call me when I beat Hillary. Of course, someone already beat her -- with an ugly stick! And then they beat me with the pretty stick (see Vogue cover please)!

I'm the REAL US federal politics woman around here now. Hillary Clinton lived off her husband -- my husband lives off me lol. Besides, senators are *nothing* compared to governors! Hillary was just an opening act -- I'm the headliner! Her cracked glass ceiling is my floor.

Making lots of progress with my new "50 states plus even more places that aren't colonies yet" book-learning: did you know that France is actually *under* England? Like it can see the Queen's underwear! I thought those two were side by side, if you get my drift. That one's for "the base" (wink).

I'll never forget how the French warned the US not to go into Iraq a second time, and refused to invade alongside us. The nerve, after all we did for them! If it wasn't for the US, France would be speaking Vietnamese! The only good thing France ever did was invent, uh, let's say "kissing". Cause I'm a real woman, know what I mean? I like my men like my whiskey -- neat, straight, and on the rocks. Remember, I have five kids -- Hillary's got only one. There, I said it. Didn't even need to use any of those "code words" Karl gave me lol!

I'm getting to know my president, soon to be all your presidents, John "Big Mac" McCain a lot better. I've met him almost four times now, and he hasn't hit on me once yet (but he will lol!) He told me this true story, of how he was a prisoner for years in Vietnam, and tortured terribly. Gosh, it took real strength and courage just to be able to walk out alive and sane. After that extraordinary service to his country, I say we owe him a great big vacation and a glorious retirement! If you elect him president, I promise to take over as soon as I can, so he can enjoy himself without all that pressure and stuff.

Ready with my entire-country political positions now! Drilling in ANWR? Yes! Think people: you drill downwards, underground. The bisons are walking around on the top of the ground. Hence, no conflict.

Protection for endangered wildlife? Yepper! Cause when I go hunting at 3 AM, they're all endangered! Stupid polar bears walking around MY state, acting all rare and special. Get back to the North Pole where you belong before I buy a bigger shotgun!

Offshore drilling? I'm all for it! We should definitely have other countries drill our oil for us -- American workers are so lazy and expensive (Alaskans excepted). Those "Welfare" and "Social Security" rackets have to go bye-bye!

Why should women vote for me? Because Hillary was thrown under the bus. Not sure when or where or what type of bus, but that's what they keep saying on the Internets. I guess it ran over her face lol (check out my awesome pics btw)! But still, ladies, a vote for me is just like a vote for Hillary.

Let me explain to men why you should vote for me: MILF ahoy!!! Just don't let my hunky "hockey dad" husband see this! Plus, I'm not Hillary, and hate all her libtard ideas, so it's like a vote against her.

With me to help Big John, Obama is toast. Toast. Get it? I can say that, since none of those people live in Alaska. Hehe. That one's for the good old "working people" of Pennsylvania. You know what I mean. You have to admit it -- this girl's good!

Oops, sorry for the Obama reference. Should have called him Oboring instead. Or Obeaten. Or how about Obanal? I like that one cause it has a dirty word in it! Ta ta for now!

PS: Mister Big Media, I know you're on our side, but please stop saying McCain has tapped me -- he's old enough to be my grandfather! And stop saying the state of Alaska is probing me -- you wish ROFL!

It's Me!!! Your next President, or Vice President at least!!

I can't tell you how happy I am that Big John picked me me me! to be the next Vice President. Or next candidate for President maybe. I'm not really too sure how the US government works yet, but I'm a fast learner! And I'm an inspiration to all women: if a brand-new governor of a tiny state (did I mention I'm a mom too?), and still-gorgeous former beauty queen can grow up to be Vice President, any girl can!

I've only met Johnnie (I'm sure he won't mind me calling him that!) a couple of times, but I'm sure he will be an awesome president! He hates those stupid mooses almost as much as I do. If I get elected, and get my hands on those big army type guns -- blam blam blam!!! Moose sandwiches for all LOL!!!

Please BEAR (old Alaska joke ROFLMAO) with me while I learn this Vice President material and stuff. But remember I'm the governor of the state closest to the Russkies, so who could deal with them better than me me me? That Brezshnev, he'll be like, give me Georgia so I can put the Atlanta Braves on the 2012 Soviet Olympic Baseball team, and I'll be like, OK but you can't have John Smoltz lol!

Big Mac's people are being real nice to me, helping me get "up to speed". Today, we went over the Fannie Mae crisis. Gosh, with a name like that, no wonder no one respects her "assets"!

But most of all, I owe this huge huge honor to Hillary Clinton. She's taken US political leadership further than any woman in history, but I can take it from here, honey! Of course, all her libtard (I love that word, libtard!) ideas will have to go. Equal pay for equal work? Over my drop-dead gorgeous hunk of a husband's stay-at-home hubby's awesome body! But I'm just as much of a woman as Hillary is, or more so lol -- check out my pics! I can and will deliver the babes for Johnnie (that sly fox!)

Well, got to go read this stuff Karl sent me. The Constitution of, um, Independence. World History For Dummies. 101 Recipes Without Seal Meat. Talk to you soon, my future fellow Americans!